This page details – as best I’m able to – as many as possible of the Old Man Rants I’ve published as Facebook status updates since the first one appeared back in April 2010.
Language warning: it’s very likely that there’s an element of ‘bad language’ contained within these posts. They were always posted on the fly and were intended to reflect exactly what I was thinking at that moment. I’ve never been particularly known for my shy and retiring ways, nor for holding back on the cuss words wherever a less-offensive term might be available. It is what it is, they are what they are… and you’ve been warned 🙂
Matt’s Old Man Facebook Dislike List: 1. the treasure-trove of freely available applications that allow people who have no place publishing the written word in any kind of forum to bastardize what, up to now, might’ve been an amusing concep…t by creating images that contain words which *could* be amusing, if only they’d not been so atrociously cobbled together! Case in point (refer attached image): “THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOU HAVENT SEEN SOMEONE FOR A LONG TIME AND THEY’VE SUDDENLY BECAME HOT”. Oh my effing God! Where do I even start…?
First there was Postars… then Australian Idol… Australia’s Got Talent… The X-Factor… The Voice… and each one more contrived and more clichéd than the last. Isn’t everyone well-and-truly over this done-to-death format by now? Seriously, this latest one – The Voice… I’ve never seen anything so cheesy and contrived! The judges, the spinning chairs, the crocodile tears, the big red buttons… please! Enough already! Old Man Rant over 🙂
A 20-something (maybe) girl next to me on this train is on the phone telling some bimbo-esque story about a conversation between she and (no doubt) some other vacuous bimbo. She’s just said the work “like” 37 times in, like, no more than, like, 90 seconds. Plus however many others she uttered before I decided to start counting them. I was like, “please stop, my ears are bleeding” and she was like, “like like like like like like like like like”. Ho-hum. The great ruination of the English language continues … and its bastardisation continues to dismay me greatly!
I hate euphemisms! Why have Australians started using that annoying term “pass” instead of “die” so much? Why is everyone so scared to say “die” anyway? Everyone’s gotta kark it at some point. Timidity and polite deference to the concept of kicking the bucket are pointless – it’s something that happens to all of us. Quietly spoken euphemisms like “pass” don’t make a person any less dead. And you definitely can’t offend a dead person by saying they “died”. Plain speaking – call it how you see it and say it like it is!
Matt’s Old Man Rant: Profile of a Typical Facebook User. day 1: post absurd message about FB charging fees despite it containing no more validation than “it was on the news”. Day 4: post another msg apparently taking the piss out of the situation but unwittingly taking the piss out of themselves. <INSERT CRAP RINGTONE> “Hello Facebook user? This is the 1980s calling. We’d like our chain mail back please!”.
(The Return of) Matt’s Old Man Rant: why can nothing last any more? How come so many brands, names & icons that were around for decades have only become too old to retain in the last decade? Why should the age of the 5 minute attention span dominate so? Now Mortein want to test their product on their own cultural icon, Louie The Fly! It’s unAustralian!
I was just thinking that it might be time to bring “Matt’s Old Man Rants” out of hiatus… but then I realised I don’t actually have anything to rant about about! Me! Nothing to rant about!?!? Something’s very wrong with this picture ;-P
God all-fucking-mighty! When did pubs in Newtown become overrun by the all the nouveau riche and all their fucking offspring? FUUUUUUUUUCK!
I’m over all this ‘Dry July’ bollocks. It just isn’t right to cease imbibing for an entire month – good cause or not! So over the coming months I’ll be fundraising via consumption of alcohol for the following very worthy initiatives: ‘August August’, ‘Sweat-tember’, ‘Cock(tail)tober’, ‘Don’t Remember November’ and ‘Debt-cember’. Join me!
It’s cold, windy, pissing down rain. I see the train pulling into the station. I run across the bridge. I’m looking the train guard in the eye as I descend the staircase two steps at a time, begging him to wait. The doors close. I reach the platform. I’m right beside the train, almost touching it, and looking again at the guard as he rings the bell that says “drive on, driver!”. You c*nt.
Matt’s Old Man Rant
Here’s a rant that’s sure to get my married and offspring-producing friends off-side, but I’m going for it anyway! So a Carbon Tax is imminent: where’s my S.I.N.K. allowance? That’s ‘Single Income No Kids’, if you’re wondering. I can’t claim Government assistance for anything. There’s no variation of Parental / Carer’s leave that I can apply for. I already subsidise families, babies, children’s education, unemployed and chronic over-breeders. Because I earn a decent salary, I now also pay an extra 1% tax to the ‘Temporary Flood and Cyclone Reconstruction Levy’. Next I’ll more than likely be hit up to subsidise the Carbon Tax compensation scheme! Yet almost everything costs me more than it would cost a 2 income couple! So when’s it gonna be my turn? When will I stop being PENALISED for being single with no kids?
[topic borrowed with permission]
[picture borrowed without permission but slightly altered so I figure it’s OK]
Clearly smh.com.au is a little short on news today, reporting on a particularly cold morning the likes of which hasn’t been since since… wait for it… LAST winter! I particularly enjoyed the highly intellectual tweet they reference: “In all the 2 years I’ve lived in sydney, the winter has never been this cold. Brrrrrrrr freezing,”.2 whole years!? What a history! Yep, that was definitely worth quoting.
Maybe I should get ‘down with the kids’ a bit more (thank you brother!), but has anyone actually ever made sounds like ‘meh’, ‘waaaah’ or ‘bahahahaha’? I know what they’re supposed to represent, but I swear I’ve never actually heard anyone make any of those noises in real life. Do we really need more nasty Gen Y-driven Americanisms cluttering up our language?
Even though this article’s a few months old, the funniest thing about it is that I’ve just today had the latest installment of spectacular Telstra fuck-ups, just when I was starting to believe all the letters they keep sending me about how they’re working hard to improve their crap customer servce too… shame it hasn’t actually worked! If you’ve ever had bad experience with Telstra, you’ll empathise with this guy…
I’m curious about the stats in those condensed chain letter-style FB msgs. You know the ones: a heartfelt message about homeless kids, diseases, mothers, sisters; they get you weepy, then claim that 97% of ppl won’t repost & 3% will; seemingly credible until you see the exact same %s in every msg! I know 97% of you won’t give a rats, but there’s a slight chance that 3% of you could be mildly intrigued.
Still in KL. Flight cancelled, rescheduled to 7:30am. Shipped off to some shit hotel a million miles from the airport. 1am – just checked in. Up again at 4:30 to head back to the airport at 5. Hot. Sticky. Smelly. Tired. Np change of clothes. No hot water for a shower. Not happy.
Matt D It should be illegal for anyone formally engaged through the course of their paid employment to publish, on-forward, print, re-print or otherwise distribute words of any kind without giving due consideration to the placement and context, spelling, grammatical correctness and/or any other component relevant to the appropriateness of said words. Failure to give said consideration to said conditions and to take required corrective action(s) as required should be deemed a crime against the English language and should be punishable by death… or, at very least, by termination of current employment and blocking of all future professional engagement in the art of language. That is all.
After much consideration I’ve decided ‘Matt’s Old Man Rants’ won’t make a comeback this year. This year, something more upbeat: ‘Matt’s lyric o’ the day’. It’ll be whatever’s in my head or on my iPod @ the time. Could be well known or obscure, trash or treasure. 1st to guess the song & artist correctly wins! (Note: the only available prize is my unending respect).
You know what? I’m truly pleased that you’re happy and fulfilled by your wife, your partner, your kids etc. But do NOT make assumptions about my life based on yours and do NOT pity my ’empty existence’ nor feel sad for my ‘loneliness’ from not having those things. My choice not to seek traditional love may seem odd to you, but I find your pity offensive. <Insert end of rant here>
OMG! Have you ever noticed how some people walk while they’re on the phone? They change direction without notice, randomly increase and decrease their speed, cut across hoards of fellow pedestrians to turn corners…is it any wonder people die when talking and texting while they drive???
“I could care less”. Why DO the Americans say that? I always thought it was meant to be the ultimate dismissal: there’s nothing that could be as utterly inconsequential as this so I couldn’t possibly care any less than I do right now. Isn’t that why we say “I couldn’t care less”? Maybe that level of un-care isn’t PC in the States…
Even this many years into the age of mobile communications devices, it still bemuses me when people decide it’s OK to have long, more-than-audible personal or business-related phone conversations in otherwise silent bus or train carriages. Thankfully, there are very long tunnels with poor-to-no mobile service!
What is the world coming to? A teenage boy, apparently having bathed in cologne, at the railway station checking his face & fixing his excessively styled hair via the reflection from his iPhone! Am I jealous that I can’t look like that much of a wanker due to evident lack of hair? Possibly. But I compensate by being a massive wanker in so many other ways 🙂
When did the term “Happy New Years” enter into common usage in Australia? I barely survive the coming of one new year, never mind celebrating multiple new years at the same time! Without a time machine I’m not sure it’s even possible!? I’m way too sober to come to a conclusion…
Matt’s occasional old man rant. Why must ppl use that crap cliche “life’s too short”. Really? 80 yrs is actually quite a long time I think?
Matt’s occasional old man rant. Sydney Buses: you need a new strategy, unless you really are trying to prove the old saying that you wait forever and nothing, then three turn up at once. Case in point: 6:45 tonight, Elizabeth St @ Channel 7 studios. 3 x 373 to Coogee within 1 minute!
Matt’s occasional old man rant. Silly made-up baby names: why? Are you deliberately setting up poor little Tex / Charli / Jyden / Zaylen / Dotti / Capreece / Domino Royal for double-takes & spelling their name aloud every single time they have to say it for the rest of their life? It should be illegal for some people to breed!
Matt’s occasional old man rant. Politicians: do you seriously not realise that hanging out with babies, old people & sick kids during election campaigns and never any other time just perpetuates the cliché? Do you actually believe it improves your chance of winning? Things don’t become clichéd for nothing! Idiots.
Matt’s ever-more-occasional old man rant. MasterChef: NO MORE PEOPLE, NO MORE!! It’s over! Cry your tears, dry your eyes, move on! Roll on, next twelve week reality fad! Maybe it could even be something new this time?
Matt’s old man rant. Do you verbally respond to questions about yourself in the third person? Q:”Hi Joan, how are you?”; A:”Joan is just about to start work and it’s Monday morning so she could be better”. Of course you don’t! ‘What’s on your mind?’ doesn’t = make a statement in the third person! ‘Status updates’ are so last year ;-P
Matt’s old man rant. Australia Post: how about priority service for ppl buying stamps or sending postal items as opposed to closing counters, answering phones and tying up staff on bill payments, mobile phone purchases & passport applications while 45 ppl queue around the room during lunchtime peak at Sydney GPO! My card will get to the other side of the effing world in less time than it took me to buy its stamp!
Matt’s somewhat occassional old man rant. Verbs: we were taught at school that they were ‘doing’ words. So how did “Google” go from being the name of a website to being a transitive verb? Similarly “text”? Once a word to describe a body of printed work, now also a transitive verb. I blame the 80s… I’m going to Xerox a complaint to someone.
Matt’s somewhat occassional old man rant. Telemarketing calls always start with that tell-tale excessive pause when you answer, or a recorded message saying that someone wants to talk to you about something very important. Haven’t they realised yet that if neither of these things happened, I might actually still be there by the time they started to tell me the very important thing?
Matt’s somewhat occassional old man rant. The World Cup: am I the only Australian who doesn’t discover an overwhelming temporary love of soccer every time the WC rolls around? I feel almost unpatriotic saying I *didn’t* wake up at 4am to watch the game. Waking up at 4am is never a good thing, but waking up for this morning’s proceedings would’ve made it even more a waste of good sleeping time!
Matt’s somewhat occassional old man rant. Panadol caplets – 12c each vs. Panadol Rapid – 22c each. Nurofen tablets – 19c each vs. Nurofen Zavance – 29c each. So people will actually scrimp on 10c per unit to voluntarily ride out pain and discomfort for twice as long!? Why?
Matt’s somewhat occassional old man rant. “We don’t inherit the earth from our parents, we borrow it from our children”, so said the tree-hugging hippy Eurovision chick. Well that’s all well and good girlie, but what if you never have any children? Who are you borrowing the earth from then? Or do you get it on a kind of permanent loan basis?
Matt’s somewhat occassional old man rant. What is it about the online / SMS generation inserting excess letters into words, presumably to emphasise certain bits, but always emphasising the wrong bits? Example: how exactly would one verbalise “Niceeeeee” and in what situations would one actually find oneself making such a sound?
So my flu became a head cold, then a throat, then coughing up phlegm for six weeks, which turned into bronchitis, then sinusitis & now apparently it’s bronchial pneumonia! Maybe this is payback for all those nasty ‘old man rants’? After all, as Justin Timberlake once very rightly said, what goes around… comes around 🙂
Matt’s occasional old man rant. Pedestrian crossing users: unsure how to cross the road even just a tiny bit faster than the common garden snail? Here’s a tip — PUT YOUR DAMN PHONE DOWN AND SEND THE TEXT FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD! You’ll get there faster and I’ll be less tempted to run you over.
Matt’s occasional old man rant: bus lanes. What exactly are they for? While other lanes are bumper-to-bumper with non-buses, the bus lane is more likely to play host to taxis, street cleaners, delivery vans, garbage trucks, police cars & bicycles than an actual bus! For f*ck’s sake, either give me some road back or label the lanes more appropriately… maybe ‘Multi-Purpose Non-Private Vehicle Lane’ could work?
Matt’s occasional old man rant: sinus pain, chronic bronchitis that doesn’t go away and children who throw hysterical screaming tantrums that go on and on for hours (and the parents that allow them to) should all be illegal on account of the one thing they have in common — THEY GIVE ME THE SHITS! I should’ve coughed and sneezed all over that kid, given him something to really cry about! Little shit.
Matt’s occasional old man rant: the Mythbusters have proven the dirtiest household item to be that inoffensive man-made composite of cellulose wood fibres & foamed plastic polymers, the kitchen sponge. It edged out money, keyboards, toilet seats & light switches for the crown. Oh the ironic hilarity — so many ppl find kinky fetishes & bodily fluids repulsive but clearly wash with the most rancid item in the house!
Matt’s bi-weekly old man rant (yes, it actually has been 2 weeks since my last!). Tips for assisting traffic flow in peak-hour Sydney streets: if you have GREEN Ps and you suspect someone next to you with their indicator on of trying to move into your lane, speed up so you’re practically *IN* the car ahead of you and don’t let that selfish, thoughtless b!tch cut in! That’ll teach her. You’re so cool.
Matt’s bi-weekly old man rant. P-Plate drivers: when you’re struggling to edge out into peak hour Sydney traffic because you don’t know how to drive very well yet and I slow down to create a gap for you to get into, it’s just common courtesy to give a little wave of thanks… you arrogant little fuck!
11/04/2010: << the first official old man rant! >>
Matt’s weekly old man rant: underwear or outerwear? I didn’t know the concept had formally changed, but a brief glance at any Gen-Y lad (+ a handful of sad Gen-Xers clutching desperately at the last vestiges of their youth) suggests otherwise. What’s the point of having your pants tightly strapped halfway down your arse, crotch between the knees, waddling like a penguin? And how *DO* they all have a 24 inch waist???
05/04/2010: << the first reference, official or otherwise, to an old man rant! >>
Are we all unwittingly fitted with an invisible cone of silence when we go into the supermarket these days, or have people just become so rude that they can’t even say “excuse me please” when they want to move past or around you? Doesn’t take much, people – just three relatively short words that my ankles and elbows will definitely thank you for uttering!
Matt C that sounds suspiciously like an old man rant